I have not written for some time now for many reasons, one being I am determining for what reason I even write.

However today is different, I am struggling with Christmas gloom. This gloom follows me year around, may it be my birthday, Easter, or what ever the monumental occasion, I am mentally in the dumps. I have tried for years to put a finger on it, but to no avail I have not come to any conclusion with solidity. In the past, I would bury my gloom with a stimulant and all would be fine. However since I have come to know Christ, and received His Holy Spirit that side of me is gone a dead. Paul states in First Corinthians,  ”I die daily”. I have found that in my life, I have need to die by the hour, all day long. Constantly, I am fighting back the desires of my flesh.  This I know will never cease. I will continually have to “beat my body and make it my slave” until this robe of flesh is exchanged by the grace of my Lord.

So I asked my Lord yesterday, what was the cause of this gloom, His reply, “it is within you”. Now with this I am frustrated. For as I stated earlier with such lack of eloquence it is plainly evident that this could not be the case. Nor could one who is so set on depleting myself of needs or barbs of the flesh could I be the one who has something within me that brings pain to God. It, this thing, this tormentor of my soul, I am afraid is un-forgiveness. Yet I do not understand how it could be present in me at all. I love and wish the best for all that are in my life, desiring nothing other than blessings for all. How could it be that there is a dark side to my affection? Is it furthermore even possible? I have prayed more times than not, that what is within me would be removed, and replenished with Gods will, how could there be anything but that? Is my psyche stronger than my spirit, that it can hold and attain a grasp of my will, that not even by choice I submit? Is the oppressor of my soul, my very own mind? Death I will meet in every sense if I do not overcome this. For if I forgive not, nor will I be forgiven. Matthew Six and Fifteen. More so, I will hold in bondage, what Christ has shed blood to free. 

Damn this spirit of Un-forgiveness. By the might that is within me by Christ, I will find you, and by the Power of Jesus Christ you will be defeated. I will find you, and you will hide no more, you may snarl your face, but as you turn, the Sword that is sharper than any two edge sword will smite you down where you stand. I fear not, for thy Lord is thy God, and by His name I have been set free, and by His name, shall you flee.

So now the journey shall begin………….